By Lisa Ryckman
Scripps Howard News Service
Holiday eating season is just around the corner, so for inspiration, I looked to the latest crop of diet books. I’ve got thousands out in the barn – in fact, I built the barn out of diet books – and they just keep on coming.
Diet books are like weeds: rip ’em, burn ’em, whack ’em with a stick – they love it. Maybe you can get rid of one, but you better believe that two more will take its place.
But before I toss them out there, let me run through a few for you:
“Maria Shaw’s Astro Diet: The Amazing Breakthrough Diet Based on Your Zodiac Sign!”
•The hook: Sung to the tune of Aquarius: When the spoon is in my great big mouth, and Jupiter aligns with Mar-r-r-r-r-s bars ...
•The skinny: The astrological chart I had done in college indicated I’m going to die a sudden and unexpected death, so I’ve been waiting for an anvil to drop on my head. If you ask Shaw, she’d tell you that there’s a right time for an anvil to drop on your head, and there’s a right time to drop 30 pounds – and all you have to do is look up.
I was eating this up until about Page 11, where Maria starts gushing about the transformative power of Pluto, which isn’t even a planet anymore.
•Might work for: Anyone who believes that itty-bitty Pluto can make you thin, and gi-normo Jupiter can make you fat.
“UltraMetabolism: The Simple Plan for Automatic Weight Loss,” by Dr. Mark Hyman.
•The hook: “Simple” and “automatic” weight loss? Where do I sign up?
•The skinny: “The UltraMetabolism Prescription is the basis of getting the right instructions to your genes,” Hyman writes.
Goodness knows I’ve tried getting the right instructions to my genes, but they just say I’m not the boss of them and party harder than ever. According to Hyman, we’ve got thyroids that do nothing but lounge around all day by the pool and livers as toxic as an EPA Superfund site.
Hyman spends a lot of time yakking about internal inflammation and government conspiracies to keep America fat. There’s no question that government food policy caters to food producers, but I’m not sure knowing that is going to stop me from a midnight scarfing of ice cream.
“The Ultimate New York Diet: The Fastest Way to a Trimmer You!” by David Kirsch.
•The hook: Lose up to 14 pounds in two weeks!
•The skinny: First of all, it’s not considered healthy to lose more than 1 to 2 pounds a week, particularly if you want to keep it off. But personal trainer Kirsch’s reasoning is, “When you don’t lose weight fast enough, you get discouraged and head back to the Cheez Doodles and Ding Dongs.”
This diet is a no-brainer: stop eating, lose weight. Phase 1 cuts out every food worth spit: bread, starchy carbs, dairy, sweets, fruit and alcohol for two weeks. (Hmmmmm – can you say, “Atkins”?) Breakfast during “Phase 1” consists of 10 ounces of mineral water, five ice cubes and one scoop vanilla-flavored whey protein powder – or use Kirsch’s Vanilla Protein Powder, one of the supplements from his food company (how convenient!). Kirsch includes recipes – Cauliflower Hash, anyone? – and his trademark excruciating workouts. I have no doubt anybody on this diet regimen will lose weight, but you may also lose your mind.
•Might work for: Anyone who needs to be ready to wear a skin-tight teddy on a runway eight weeks after giving birth, like supermodel/Kirsch client Heidi Klum.
“The Fat Smash Diet,” Dr. Ian K. Smith.
•The hook: The diet used on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club.
•The skinny: Dr. Ian says the fat smash diet is about “smashing the bad habits and demons of the past and constructing a new and improved you. You are now a SMASHER, so go SMASH IT!”
Despite the goofy name, it’s a sensible diet that isn’t painfully restrictive and includes moderate exercise recommendations. There are 80 pages of recipes, which isn’t a bad thing, except that there are only 141 pages in the whole dang book. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad thing, either.
•Might work for: Anybody who’s sick of hauling around 20-pound diet books.
“The Vice-Busting Diet: A 12-Week Plan to Break Your Worst Food Habits and Change Your Life Forever,” by Julia Griggs Havey.
•The hook: Former fatty drops 130 pounds and becomes Internet diet guru.
•The skinny: According to eDiets writer Havey, the top three problems that sabotage weight loss are sugary drinks, fast food and television, and she proceeds to lay out 180 pages of therapeutic how-to.
This is one of those preachy diet books you’re supposed to tolerate because Havey managed to lose so much weight herself.
•Might work for: Anybody who can look in the mirror and say positive affirmations like “I welcome optimal health into my life!” with a straight face.
“The Fat Resistance Diet,” by Dr. Leo Galland.
•The hook: “Unlock the secret of the hormone leptin to eliminate cravings, supercharge your metabolism, fight inflammation, lose weight and reprogram your body to stay thin – forever.”
•The skinny: That’s a mighty tall order for a cute li’l hormone, but Dr. Leo insists that leptin’s up to it. He says America’s pudge stems from leptin resistance, which disrupts the natural ability to regulate appetite and metabolism, which in turn leads to inflammation all over your body. When you slog through all the anecdotes and finally get to the diet, it actually sounds very sensible: Eat lots of fiber and nine servings of fruit and veggies daily; limit saturated fat and never eat trans fat.
•Might work for: Anybody who realizes that when it comes to leptin, resistance is futile.
